Welcome to the “Threenage” Years: Why Three-Year-Olds Hit, Fight and Have Big Feelings

Three-year-olds can be joyful, affectionate, imaginative and endlessly curious. They can also be impulsive, determined, emotional and remarkably skilled at turning a seemingly minor disappointment into a very big moment.

You may hear this stage described playfully as the “threenage” years. Although three-year-olds are certainly not teenagers, they are experiencing a similar tension: a powerful desire for independence without yet having all the emotional, social and communication skills needed to manage it.

At Woden Valley Early Learning Centre, we understand that hitting, pushing, grabbing, yelling, refusing, running away and intense emotional reactions can be concerning for families. However, these behaviours are often part of early development. They do not mean that a child is “bad,” aggressive by nature or deliberately trying to make life difficult.

Behaviour is communication. Our role is to work out what the child may be communicating and then help them develop safer and more effective ways to express it.

Why are three-year-olds so emotional?

Their self-regulation skills are still developing

Self-regulation encompasses the ability to manage emotions, control impulses, wait, adjust plans, follow directions, and consider potential outcomes. These abilities rely partly on executive functioning skills, which continue developing throughout childhood and beyond.

Three-year-olds may understand a rule such as “we use gentle hands,” but this does not mean they can consistently apply it when they are angry, frightened, frustrated, tired or overstimulated. The emotional and impulsive parts of the brain can take over before the child can stop and remember what to do.

Research shows that children demonstrate significant individual differences in the development of behavioural self-regulation between three and seven years of age. Development does not occur at the same pace or in a perfectly straight line for every child (Montroy et al., 2016).

A child who hits during a conflict may not have calmly decided to hurt someone. Their body may have reacted before their developing brain was able to find another solution.

Their desire for independence is growing rapidly

At three, children want to make decisions, complete tasks independently and influence what happens around them. They may insist:

• “I do it!”

• “That’s mine!”

• “I was first!”

• “No!”

• “I don’t want to!”

  
  

This growing autonomy is healthy. However, children still live in a world filled with boundaries, routines, transitions and other people’s needs. Frustration naturally occurs when their strong desire for control meets a situation they cannot control.

Their language may not keep up with their feelings

Many three-year-olds can speak in sentences and hold conversations, but communicating during emotional distress is much more difficult.

A child may know the words “Can I have a turn when you are finished?” while calm, but be unable to access those words when another child takes the truck they wanted.

Hitting, grabbing or screaming can become the quickest available form of communication.

Language plays an important role in the development of self-regulation because it helps children identify, understand and communicate their thoughts, feelings and actions. Adults support this development by giving children words for what is happening and modelling language they can use in future situations.

Social play is complicated

Three-year-olds are becoming increasingly interested in other children, but cooperative play requires many complex skills. Children must learn to:

• enter an existing game;

• share space and resources;

• negotiate different ideas;

• wait for a turn;

• understand another person’s perspective;

• cope with losing;

• follow shared rules; and

• repair relationships after conflict.

These skills take years to develop. Disagreements, possessiveness and physical reactions commonly occur while children are learning how friendship and group play work.

Emotional understanding during the preschool years is also associated with children’s classroom behaviour and their ability to manage anger and aggression (Denham et al., 2002).

Their bodies may be communicating an unmet need

Challenging behaviour becomes more likely when children are:

• tired or hungry;

• overwhelmed by noise or busy environments;

• adjusting to change;

• seeking movement or sensory input;

• worried about separation;

• unwell or uncomfortable;

• competing for adult attention;

• unable to join the play successfully; or

• managing expectations that exceed their current abilities.

Some children are more sensitive, energetic, persistent, cautious or reactive because of their individual temperament. A behaviour that appears sudden usually has a context, even when adults cannot immediately see it.

Is "hitting" developmentally typical?

Physical aggression can occur during the toddler and preschool years as children develop language, impulse control, empathy and social problem-solving skills. No single factor explains aggressive behaviour, and children’s behaviour must be considered within their developmental, relational and environmental context (Reebye, 2005).

Recognising that hitting may be developmentally understandable does not mean accepting it without intervention.

Adults must respond immediately and calmly.

The goal is to stop the unsafe behaviour while protecting the dignity of every child. Children need to learn that all emotions are acceptable, but not all actions are safe.

How do we support emotional development at WVELC?

We regulate before we reason

A highly distressed child cannot process a lengthy explanation, reflect on another person’s feelings or generate a thoughtful solution. Adults first help the child’s body return to a calmer state.

This may include:

• moving to a quieter space;

• staying physically close;

• using a calm and steady voice;

• reducing language;

• offering reassurance;

• taking slow breaths together; or

• providing safe physical or sensory activity.

  
  

This process is known as co-regulation. Before children can consistently regulate themselves, they rely on calm, responsive adults to help them manage emotions and return to a state in which they can learn.

Our well-being dogs and Blue Zones can also help children regain a sense of calm by reducing major stressors and overstimulation, while providing additional sensory support.

We name the emotion and hold the boundary

Educators acknowledge the child’s experience without excusing unsafe behaviour:

“You were angry because you wanted the bike. I won’t let you push.”

“You didn’t want the game to finish. It is okay to feel disappointed, but it is not okay to hurt someone.”

This helps children connect physical sensations, emotional experiences and language. Over time, children begin to recognise their own emotions before they become overwhelming.

We provide active and challenging play

Young children need regular opportunities to run, climb, lift, push, pull, wrestle appropriately, take manageable risks and engage in energetic outdoor play.

Guided rough-and-tumble play can provide opportunities to practise stopping, reading body language, following rules and noticing when another person is no longer enjoying the game. These experiences must be supervised and include clear expectations around consent and safety.

Physical activity can also help children release energy, organise their bodies and return to a calmer state.

We observe patterns

Rather than viewing an incident in isolation, educators consider what occurred before, during and after the behaviour.

We may ask:

• Does the behaviour happen during particular transitions?

• Is the environment crowded or noisy?

• Is the child trying to enter a game?

• Are they protecting a toy or space?

• Are they tired, hungry or overwhelmed?

• Is the expectation appropriate for their developmental abilities?

• What support helps the child recover successfully?

Observing patterns helps us make thoughtful adjustments to routines, environments and teaching strategies.

How families can help at home

Children benefit when the adults around them use consistent, simple and respectful language.

Families can support emotional development by:

1. Naming emotions: “You seem disappointed that we have to leave.”

2. Setting clear limits: “I can’t let you hit me.”

3. Offering an alternative: “You can stamp your feet, squeeze this cushion or tell me you are angry.”

4. Preparing for transitions: “Two more turns, and then it will be time to go.”

5. Giving manageable choices: “Would you like to put on your shoes or your jacket first?”

6. Practising while calm: Rehearse words such as “stop,” “my turn next” and “help please.”

7. Keeping explanations brief during distress: Save longer conversations for when the child is calm.

8. Noticing positive behaviour: “You were frustrated, but you used your words. That was hard, and you managed it.”

9. Prioritising connection after conflict: Children learn best when they feel safe, loved and supported—not ashamed.

10. Sharing relevant information with educators: Changes in sleep, health, family circumstances or routines can affect behaviour.

When might additional support be helpful?

Every child has difficult moments. Additional guidance may be useful when behaviour:

• is very frequent, intense or increasing;

• regularly causes significant injury;

• occurs across multiple environments;

• seriously affects the child’s relationships or participation;

• is accompanied by developmental, communication or sensory concerns;

• is difficult for the child to recover from, even with adult support; or

• causes ongoing concern for the child’s family or educators.

  
  

Seeking assistance is not about labelling or blaming a child. Early support can help adults understand the child’s needs and provide strategies that strengthen their participation, wellbeing and relationships.

Families can speak with their child’s educators, GP, child and family health nurse, paediatrician or an allied health professional when concerns persist.

Big behaviour needs calm adults.

Three-year-olds are no longer infants or toddlers, but they are not yet developmentally ready to manage the same expectations as older preschool children. They are in a significant period of transition, with rapidly developing language, independence, social awareness and physical abilities. However, their impulse control, emotional regulation, flexible thinking, and capacity to manage group expectations are still emerging.

This means our expectations must reflect children’s developmental abilities rather than assuming that turning three immediately brings preschool-level independence and self-control. A three-year-old may appear capable, confident and highly verbal, while still needing substantial adult support to wait, negotiate, cope with disappointment, manage transitions and regulate strong emotions.

Our responsibility is to keep everyone safe while remaining curious about what the behaviour is telling us. Through warm relationships, predictable boundaries, co-regulation, active play and repeated opportunities to practise social skills, children gradually build the emotional foundations they will rely on throughout life.

Progress may not be immediate or perfectly consistent. A child may manage a situation successfully one day and struggle with the same situation the next. This is not failure. Emotional development takes time, patience and many supportive repetitions.

References

• Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2011). Building the brain’s “air traffic control” system: How early experiences shape the development of executive function (Working Paper No. 11). Harvard University.

• Denham, S. A., Caverly, S., Schmidt, M., Blair, K., DeMulder, E., Caal, S., Hamada, H., & Mason, T. (2002). Preschool understanding of emotions: Contributions to classroom anger and aggression. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 43(7), 901–916. https://doi.org/10.1111/1469-7610.00139

• Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Eggum, N. D. (2010). Emotion-related self-regulation and its relation to children’s maladjustment. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 495–525. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.121208.131208

• Fox, N. A. (1998). Temperament and regulation of emotion in the first years of life. Pediatrics, 102(Supplement E1), 1230–1235. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.102.SE1.1230

• Montroy, J. J., Bowles, R. P., Skibbe, L. E., McClelland, M. M., & Morrison, F. J. (2016). The development of self-regulation across early childhood. Developmental Psychology, 52(11), 1744–1762. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000159

• Raver, C. C. (2002). Emotions matter: Making the case for the role of young children’s emotional development for early school readiness. Social Policy Report, 16(3), 3–18. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.2379-3988.2002.tb00041.x

• Reebye, P. (2005). Aggression during early years—Infancy and preschool. The Canadian Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Review, 14(1), 16–20.

Reflections from My Visit to Woden Valley Early Learning Centre

by Nicole Sheath

On Wednesday 8 July 2026, I had the privilege of visiting Woden Valley Early Learning Centre. I arrived expecting to see an early learning service; I left inspired by a community that has thoughtfully woven nature, sustainability, belonging and children's agency into everyday practice.

From the moment I stepped through the small wooden gate at the entrance, there was a sense that this place was different. It felt welcoming, authentic and deeply connected to its community. Rather than polished displays designed for adults, there were signs everywhere of children's involvement and contribution.

The journey through the service began in a courtyard where families and educators shared responsibility for the environment around them. A community swap point held freshly collected duck eggs available for anyone to take home. Nearby, seedlings planted by families were beginning to sprout in planter pots, a visible reminder that learning extends beyond the preschool gate.

As we walked further, preparations for Floriade were underway. Tiny tulip shoots were emerging from the soil, accompanied by picture cards showing the stages of growth. These simple visual supports invited children to observe, wonder and make connections as the plants developed. Beside the garden stood a small community library. Opening its door revealed books ready to be borrowed, shared and exchanged. Gabby explained that the contents often changed, creating ongoing opportunities for curiosity and discovery.

Entering the preschool playground, I was immediately struck by the atmosphere. Despite being part of a 96-place service, the space felt remarkably calm. Children were deeply engaged in meaningful experiences. Some sat with educators listening to stories, while others quietly observed the ducks in the nearby Nurraganawilli garden.

There was no sense of rush or urgency—just children, educators and the environment working in harmony.

The garden itself felt magical.

Woodchips softened each step. Gumboots hung ready for exploration. There were shovels, mallets, pots and natural materials inviting investigation and creativity. A sensory garden provided edible produce for children to taste and care for. A chicken coop offered authentic opportunities for responsibility and connection with living things. Hay bales, autumn leaves and varied terrain encouraged movement and exploration.

One planter box existed for a simple but important purpose: digging. As Gabby sat down to turn the soil, a duck hurried over in anticipation of finding a worm. This small interaction perfectly captured the interconnectedness of the space.

There was an area where children could hammer pieces of wood into the earth, a swing bench positioned for quiet reflection, and archways overhead bearing fruit. Everywhere I looked, I could see evidence of children's work, ideas and contributions. Nothing felt staged or designed for social media. Instead, it felt real, purposeful and deeply respectful of childhood.

What stood out most was learning through experience rather than instruction.

The highlight of my visit was being invited to join the preschool children's fire gathering.

As the fire crackled, children gathered with their educators, sitting on sandstone blocks arranged in a circle. A second circle of logs created a clear visual boundary, supporting children's understanding of safety and risk. It was simple, effective and respectful of children's capability.

I sat quietly and listened.

The children noticed the smell of the fire. They talked about the warmth they could feel. They listened to the sounds around them. They wondered when the popcorn would be ready. Their observations were genuine and unprompted.

Gabby began with an Acknowledgement of Country unique to their service, incorporating local Aboriginal language. She then shared the story of The Wide-Mouthed Frog, weaving Aboriginal language throughout the telling. The children joined in confidently with both the language and actions, demonstrating how cultural learning becomes meaningful when it is embedded in everyday experiences.

The popcorn-making process became a lesson in itself.

The oil was added, the kernels placed in the pot, and the lid secured. The pot was placed over the fire, and everyone waited.

And waited.

The popcorn refused to pop.

What could have been viewed as an inconvenience became one of the richest learning moments of the morning. Children discussed why it wasn't working, offered solutions, questioned how the problem could be fixed, and repeatedly checked on the progress.

Some children drew on the sandstone with pieces of charcoal. Others suggested singing songs. One child requested tapping sticks, which educators promptly provided. Some sat quietly, gazing into the fire and chatting with friends. Others shared stories about camping and experiences with fire.

Throughout it all, conversations about safety emerged naturally and meaningfully.

There was no pressure to move children on or fill every moment. The waiting itself became valuable. Children were given time to think, contribute, problem-solve, connect, and simply be present.

Eventually, the popcorn was ready.

Children who had wandered off returned to share in the experience together. A second batch was then made for the younger children in the service, reciprocating a gesture from the previous day when popcorn had been shared with the preschool room.

It was a simple act of community, generosity and belonging.

As I reflected on the day, I realised that what made Woden Valley Early Learning Centre so special was not any one resource, garden feature or program. It was the intentional culture that sat underneath it all. The educators had created environments where children were trusted, where relationships were prioritised, where learning unfolded naturally through real experiences, and where community connections were visible in everyday practice.

I left feeling inspired, not because I wanted Engadine Preschool to replicate what I had seen, but because it prompted me to look more deeply at what is possible within our own context.

The visit challenged me to consider:

• How can we create even more opportunities for children to connect with nature through authentic, everyday experiences?

• How can we slow down and value the learning that happens in moments of waiting, wondering and problem-solving?

• How can we continue to strengthen children's sense of belonging and contribution within our preschool community?

• What existing strengths can we build upon to create richer opportunities for risk-taking, sustainability and connection to Country?

The most powerful takeaway from my visit was a reminder that meaningful learning does not come from expensive resources or perfectly curated spaces. It comes from relationships, intentionality and a belief in children's capabilities.

As a team, I look forward to exploring how we can build on the wonderful work already happening at Engadine Preschool, inspired by what I experienced at Woden Valley and guided by what is meaningful for our own children, families and community

A Moment to Reflect and Celebrate Woden Valley Early Learning Centre

It has taken us some time to digest and come to terms with the decision regarding our Excellent Rating application. We poured an enormous amount of work, reflection, passion and heart into this process, and naturally, we had hoped for a different outcome.

Although we were not awarded the overall Excellent Rating on this occasion, we are incredibly proud of what the report recognised about Woden Valley Early Learning Centre.

The Excellent Rating is described as a very high bar, and while the final decision was that our overall rating remains Exceeding National Quality Standard, the report also highlighted significant areas of excellence, leadership and meaningful practice across our service.

Importantly, WVELC was recognised as achieving excellence under Theme 5: Practice and environments that enhance children’s learning and growth. This is a significant achievement and something we are deeply proud of. Our nature pedagogy, Narragunnawali Garden, outdoor learning environments, community garden, animal care, composting, children’s ecological literacy, and Wellbeing Dog Program were acknowledged as practices that genuinely improve outcomes for children and families.

We are also incredibly proud that WVELC met Criterion 2, with the report recognising our visionary leadership and our contribution to the wider early childhood sector through advocacy, training, mentoring, professional networks, publications, presentations and our ongoing commitment to nature pedagogy. This recognition means so much to us, because our work has always been about more than one service — it is about contributing to a stronger, more connected and more courageous early childhood community.

The report also acknowledged our strong positive workplace culture, our investment in educators, distributed leadership roles, high staff retention, above-ratio staffing, wellbeing supports, and the deep relationships that families experience because of the stability and commitment of our team.

While the outcome was not the one we had hoped for, this report is not a failure. It is a powerful reflection of how far we have come, what we have built together, and where we can continue to grow. It gives us clear direction for the future and reminds us that excellence is not only a rating — it is the everyday work, relationships, advocacy, learning, care and courage that happen across our service every single day.

To our educators, leadership team, Management Committee, families, children and wider community — thank you. This achievement belongs to all of us.

We will continue to reflect, improve, advocate, document, grow and lead with the same passion and purpose that has always guided Woden Valley Early Learning Centre.

There is so much to celebrate — and we are only just getting started.