Welcome to the “Threenage” Years: Why Three-Year-Olds Hit, Fight and Have Big Feelings

Three-year-olds can be joyful, affectionate, imaginative and endlessly curious. They can also be impulsive, determined, emotional and remarkably skilled at turning a seemingly minor disappointment into a very big moment.

You may hear this stage described playfully as the “threenage” years. Although three-year-olds are certainly not teenagers, they are experiencing a similar tension: a powerful desire for independence without yet having all the emotional, social and communication skills needed to manage it.

At Woden Valley Early Learning Centre, we understand that hitting, pushing, grabbing, yelling, refusing, running away and intense emotional reactions can be concerning for families. However, these behaviours are often part of early development. They do not mean that a child is “bad,” aggressive by nature or deliberately trying to make life difficult.

Behaviour is communication. Our role is to work out what the child may be communicating and then help them develop safer and more effective ways to express it.

Why are three-year-olds so emotional?

Their self-regulation skills are still developing

Self-regulation encompasses the ability to manage emotions, control impulses, wait, adjust plans, follow directions, and consider potential outcomes. These abilities rely partly on executive functioning skills, which continue developing throughout childhood and beyond.

Three-year-olds may understand a rule such as “we use gentle hands,” but this does not mean they can consistently apply it when they are angry, frightened, frustrated, tired or overstimulated. The emotional and impulsive parts of the brain can take over before the child can stop and remember what to do.

Research shows that children demonstrate significant individual differences in the development of behavioural self-regulation between three and seven years of age. Development does not occur at the same pace or in a perfectly straight line for every child (Montroy et al., 2016).

A child who hits during a conflict may not have calmly decided to hurt someone. Their body may have reacted before their developing brain was able to find another solution.

Their desire for independence is growing rapidly

At three, children want to make decisions, complete tasks independently and influence what happens around them. They may insist:

• “I do it!”

• “That’s mine!”

• “I was first!”

• “No!”

• “I don’t want to!”

  
  

This growing autonomy is healthy. However, children still live in a world filled with boundaries, routines, transitions and other people’s needs. Frustration naturally occurs when their strong desire for control meets a situation they cannot control.

Their language may not keep up with their feelings

Many three-year-olds can speak in sentences and hold conversations, but communicating during emotional distress is much more difficult.

A child may know the words “Can I have a turn when you are finished?” while calm, but be unable to access those words when another child takes the truck they wanted.

Hitting, grabbing or screaming can become the quickest available form of communication.

Language plays an important role in the development of self-regulation because it helps children identify, understand and communicate their thoughts, feelings and actions. Adults support this development by giving children words for what is happening and modelling language they can use in future situations.

Social play is complicated

Three-year-olds are becoming increasingly interested in other children, but cooperative play requires many complex skills. Children must learn to:

• enter an existing game;

• share space and resources;

• negotiate different ideas;

• wait for a turn;

• understand another person’s perspective;

• cope with losing;

• follow shared rules; and

• repair relationships after conflict.

These skills take years to develop. Disagreements, possessiveness and physical reactions commonly occur while children are learning how friendship and group play work.

Emotional understanding during the preschool years is also associated with children’s classroom behaviour and their ability to manage anger and aggression (Denham et al., 2002).

Their bodies may be communicating an unmet need

Challenging behaviour becomes more likely when children are:

• tired or hungry;

• overwhelmed by noise or busy environments;

• adjusting to change;

• seeking movement or sensory input;

• worried about separation;

• unwell or uncomfortable;

• competing for adult attention;

• unable to join the play successfully; or

• managing expectations that exceed their current abilities.

Some children are more sensitive, energetic, persistent, cautious or reactive because of their individual temperament. A behaviour that appears sudden usually has a context, even when adults cannot immediately see it.

Is "hitting" developmentally typical?

Physical aggression can occur during the toddler and preschool years as children develop language, impulse control, empathy and social problem-solving skills. No single factor explains aggressive behaviour, and children’s behaviour must be considered within their developmental, relational and environmental context (Reebye, 2005).

Recognising that hitting may be developmentally understandable does not mean accepting it without intervention.

Adults must respond immediately and calmly.

The goal is to stop the unsafe behaviour while protecting the dignity of every child. Children need to learn that all emotions are acceptable, but not all actions are safe.

How do we support emotional development at WVELC?

We regulate before we reason

A highly distressed child cannot process a lengthy explanation, reflect on another person’s feelings or generate a thoughtful solution. Adults first help the child’s body return to a calmer state.

This may include:

• moving to a quieter space;

• staying physically close;

• using a calm and steady voice;

• reducing language;

• offering reassurance;

• taking slow breaths together; or

• providing safe physical or sensory activity.

  
  

This process is known as co-regulation. Before children can consistently regulate themselves, they rely on calm, responsive adults to help them manage emotions and return to a state in which they can learn.

Our well-being dogs and Blue Zones can also help children regain a sense of calm by reducing major stressors and overstimulation, while providing additional sensory support.

We name the emotion and hold the boundary

Educators acknowledge the child’s experience without excusing unsafe behaviour:

“You were angry because you wanted the bike. I won’t let you push.”

“You didn’t want the game to finish. It is okay to feel disappointed, but it is not okay to hurt someone.”

This helps children connect physical sensations, emotional experiences and language. Over time, children begin to recognise their own emotions before they become overwhelming.

We provide active and challenging play

Young children need regular opportunities to run, climb, lift, push, pull, wrestle appropriately, take manageable risks and engage in energetic outdoor play.

Guided rough-and-tumble play can provide opportunities to practise stopping, reading body language, following rules and noticing when another person is no longer enjoying the game. These experiences must be supervised and include clear expectations around consent and safety.

Physical activity can also help children release energy, organise their bodies and return to a calmer state.

We observe patterns

Rather than viewing an incident in isolation, educators consider what occurred before, during and after the behaviour.

We may ask:

• Does the behaviour happen during particular transitions?

• Is the environment crowded or noisy?

• Is the child trying to enter a game?

• Are they protecting a toy or space?

• Are they tired, hungry or overwhelmed?

• Is the expectation appropriate for their developmental abilities?

• What support helps the child recover successfully?

Observing patterns helps us make thoughtful adjustments to routines, environments and teaching strategies.

How families can help at home

Children benefit when the adults around them use consistent, simple and respectful language.

Families can support emotional development by:

1. Naming emotions: “You seem disappointed that we have to leave.”

2. Setting clear limits: “I can’t let you hit me.”

3. Offering an alternative: “You can stamp your feet, squeeze this cushion or tell me you are angry.”

4. Preparing for transitions: “Two more turns, and then it will be time to go.”

5. Giving manageable choices: “Would you like to put on your shoes or your jacket first?”

6. Practising while calm: Rehearse words such as “stop,” “my turn next” and “help please.”

7. Keeping explanations brief during distress: Save longer conversations for when the child is calm.

8. Noticing positive behaviour: “You were frustrated, but you used your words. That was hard, and you managed it.”

9. Prioritising connection after conflict: Children learn best when they feel safe, loved and supported—not ashamed.

10. Sharing relevant information with educators: Changes in sleep, health, family circumstances or routines can affect behaviour.

When might additional support be helpful?

Every child has difficult moments. Additional guidance may be useful when behaviour:

• is very frequent, intense or increasing;

• regularly causes significant injury;

• occurs across multiple environments;

• seriously affects the child’s relationships or participation;

• is accompanied by developmental, communication or sensory concerns;

• is difficult for the child to recover from, even with adult support; or

• causes ongoing concern for the child’s family or educators.

  
  

Seeking assistance is not about labelling or blaming a child. Early support can help adults understand the child’s needs and provide strategies that strengthen their participation, wellbeing and relationships.

Families can speak with their child’s educators, GP, child and family health nurse, paediatrician or an allied health professional when concerns persist.

Big behaviour needs calm adults.

Three-year-olds are no longer infants or toddlers, but they are not yet developmentally ready to manage the same expectations as older preschool children. They are in a significant period of transition, with rapidly developing language, independence, social awareness and physical abilities. However, their impulse control, emotional regulation, flexible thinking, and capacity to manage group expectations are still emerging.

This means our expectations must reflect children’s developmental abilities rather than assuming that turning three immediately brings preschool-level independence and self-control. A three-year-old may appear capable, confident and highly verbal, while still needing substantial adult support to wait, negotiate, cope with disappointment, manage transitions and regulate strong emotions.

Our responsibility is to keep everyone safe while remaining curious about what the behaviour is telling us. Through warm relationships, predictable boundaries, co-regulation, active play and repeated opportunities to practise social skills, children gradually build the emotional foundations they will rely on throughout life.

Progress may not be immediate or perfectly consistent. A child may manage a situation successfully one day and struggle with the same situation the next. This is not failure. Emotional development takes time, patience and many supportive repetitions.

References

• Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2011). Building the brain’s “air traffic control” system: How early experiences shape the development of executive function (Working Paper No. 11). Harvard University.

• Denham, S. A., Caverly, S., Schmidt, M., Blair, K., DeMulder, E., Caal, S., Hamada, H., & Mason, T. (2002). Preschool understanding of emotions: Contributions to classroom anger and aggression. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 43(7), 901–916. https://doi.org/10.1111/1469-7610.00139

• Eisenberg, N., Spinrad, T. L., & Eggum, N. D. (2010). Emotion-related self-regulation and its relation to children’s maladjustment. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 6, 495–525. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.clinpsy.121208.131208

• Fox, N. A. (1998). Temperament and regulation of emotion in the first years of life. Pediatrics, 102(Supplement E1), 1230–1235. https://doi.org/10.1542/peds.102.SE1.1230

• Montroy, J. J., Bowles, R. P., Skibbe, L. E., McClelland, M. M., & Morrison, F. J. (2016). The development of self-regulation across early childhood. Developmental Psychology, 52(11), 1744–1762. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000159

• Raver, C. C. (2002). Emotions matter: Making the case for the role of young children’s emotional development for early school readiness. Social Policy Report, 16(3), 3–18. https://doi.org/10.1002/j.2379-3988.2002.tb00041.x

• Reebye, P. (2005). Aggression during early years—Infancy and preschool. The Canadian Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Review, 14(1), 16–20.